Connections With My Dead Father

I woke up at night wanting to turn off the electric fan because it is colder by about 5 degrees at around 3 am now that it’s July here in the Philippines. I’m a 46 year old man with a stage 1 hypertension just like my father before me. The elevated blood pressure comes with the males in my family. I am overweight by 30 lbs..but these are not the connections to my father which I want to write about.

I sat at the side of the bed measuring the distance between the desk fan and me. It’s barely 3 feet at 10 o clock. I can’t will my feet. I can’t raise them to make that first step towards the fan. I ended up anchoring myself to the wall with my two arms to catch what is apparently a fall.

I had to freeze myself on this position and get my blood circulation to my lower extremities flowing. I proceeded to raise one leg then the other as if I’m trying to march like a Red Guard at Lenin Square. After a few repeats I graduated to a stationary jog. I felt the natural urge to move now and turn my desk fan off before I freeze to death in mid-July.

Ten years ago I was taking care of my father who suffered a stroke that left him less mobile than his 76 year old body promised him. I found him once with a bloody head gash down on the floor. Apparently, he had attempted to raise himself up from bed and go out of his room. Maybe he heard the tv set outside where the rest of the family is. Maybe he wanted to do some stationary jogs like I did. Maybe he just longed for some human interaction after that terrible stroke left him mostly in his room.

I stitched him up. I think he was sorry for making us worried about the whole thing. Am I making sense with this post? Sure. I’m typing this in the middle of the night with the Grateful Dead playing in the background. What could be more logical?

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